How can we deal with big, heavy important issues that are not going to go away with tapping phrases that start “Even though I feel shame…” ?
How do we know what to say when we are tapping, especially for big issues like shame and fear?
The best strategy I know is to create a “holding space” inside us, an open safe space where the parts of us that are feeling the problem can speak, and feel heard. We don’t even have to “know what to say.” My deepest tapping insights and transformations have come when I take the time to feel into that space, and hold it with a gentle, open listening, just allowing words to arise from the parts of me that are feeling the pain.
Let me say a few words about creating a “holding space.” I imagine it as a kind of a lap. Remember the feeling of holding an animal, or a small child, or even a pillow or stuffed animal in your lap, or something small and beautiful in your cupped hands. Remember the feeling of being held, yourself, by someone else, or even holding yourself with your own arms wrapped around your body, for comfort.
In its best sense, the space of a lap is open, supportive, dependable, nurturing, stable. There is reverence there. There is noticing, acknowledging, honoring and appreciation. A lap is a wonderful, even sacred image. Our house can be a kind of a lap, a relationship can be a kind of a lap. The earth is a lap for all the life that emerges from it. Our lives are held in the lap of our souls. Tapping and other energy work can be a holding space, like a lap.
How to create a Tapping Holding Space
- Take a deep breath
- Feel into the specific feeling, belief, physical sensation that you want to know more about
- Feel yourself forming an “energetic lap.” You will probably be sitting down, so you can just image the natural space that your body forms as you sit. Or imagine that this is a space that you are creating in an inner way, in your heart, perhaps. Wherever you feel this lap feeling is the right place for you.
- Imagine that you are holding this sensation, thought, incident, feeling in your inner lap. Let it be there. It might be hesitant, or even speechless with surprise that you are open to it instead of trying to cut it off or stuff it down. Be patient.
- Begin tapping through the points, without using a set up phrase. Hold this space in you open, with no expectations, just a gentle curiosity and invitation. You could also just tap on one point that you like, the collarbone point, or the side of the hand, or under the eye or nose, wherever feels especially good and easing to you.
- Wait quietly. Allow thoughts and images and feelings to arise. Imagine that you are giving a part of you an opportunity to find words for what it is experiencing. Let it know that you are willing to listen without judgment.
- Talk to yourself internally about what you are aware of, while you tap.
- Create this Tapping Holding Space at several points in your tapping routine. Your tapping sessions will go so much deeper.
It is remarkable and often very moving to hear what these parts of us have to say. If tears come, consider that this is a part of you that is feeling so grateful to be seen and heard by you, that it is moved to tears. Tears can be a sign that something held deep inside is releasing.
Before we begin the tapping session, I often suggest writing out a stream of consciousness paragraph—or several pages—about what you are feeling and how you came to feel this way.
If you don’t like writing, speak about your issue into a recorder, and then transcribe it, or ask someone who loves you to transcribe it for you.
Next, go through what you wrote or spoke, lifting out phrases and sentences. You are looking for the following elements to separate out, and tap for individually:
- The Problem
- Feelings
- Behaviors
- Beliefs, Story about causes and what is now possible/impossible for me
- Choices, Hopeful thoughts
- What I want instead
- Celebration of self
I got an email about fear and shame from someone I will call Lily (that is not her real name, but she gave me permission to share her email). Lily’s email was written like the stream of consciousness page that I suggested above. I want to share what she wrote, as a way to demonstrate how to create a “holding tapping session” for yourself when you feel overwhelmed with powerful feelings.
Here is Lily’s email. I have added paragraphing to make it easier to read:
Hi Rue, I read your newsletter about sensitivity for Thriving Now and your interview with Carol Look have both helped me immensely, thank you so much for sharing them!
Do you have any tapping recommendations, or can you point me to one of your newsletters on your website for, ummm… i am SO ashamed of my fear of leaving the house. It’s mostly a fear of people.
I’m afraid that my boyfriend will get bored of me b/c i never want to do anything besides renting a movie or going to a movie and then cooking dinner together. I don’t have a job b/c i get so stressed out that it feels like torture. I do love myself and i’m interesting and funny and creative so i have that going for me.
i used to FORCE myself to be social, but for the last yr and a half I’ve been allowing myself to sort of cocoon and be safe and not force myself to do anything that feels like a no, but it feels like the cocoon is getting thicker. I don’t go on walks anymore, I’m just so scared of leaving my safety zone.
I was sexually abused by the daycare lady from age 2 to 3. I have an older brother that BULLIED me my whole life until this past summer when i finally got the courage to not allow him to contact me anymore. I assume these things and my sensitivity are contributing to my fear of leaving the house. I’m so embarrassed about it and i want to be proactive so that our relationship doesn’t end b/c I’m turning into a house cat!
I don’t see any signs of him not loving me or wanting to break up with me, but i would not want to be with someone like me who doesn’t leave the house. How do i love me and accept this about myself and most important of all change it?
I’m 33 and I’ve had this feeling since as far back as i can remember (age 2) and can’t seem to resolve it. i want to live life again. Tapping has been miraculous for me except for this area. ANY thoughts would be much appreciated.
I feel like i should mention something that keeps coming to mind is “what must my boyfriend’s friends think of me?” “and what do my neighbors think of me?”
I live in Jackson Hole, WY where people seem extraordinarily extroverted, most people move here for the extreme skiing and mountain climbing, extreme sports anything Extreme, I moved here b/c every single direction I turn looks like a painting and it’s miraculous.
I feel I’m in such stark contrast to the other people that live here and this comparison is enhancing my shame.
There must be others like me here in the land of extroverts and i’d like to at least go on walks again so that i can enjoy the beauty and animals… Thanks for your consideration.
There are actually two issues here. One is Lily’s fear of leaving the house, and the other is the shame she feels at having these feelings. For her, these two issues are intertwined, and that is what seems overwhelming and hopeless to her. Once the two issues are separated, each will feel more manageable, and tappable. Lily might want to treat these two feelings separately in her tapping.
This is one of those times where EFT can’t help at all if the person starts out their tapping with, “Even though I am so ashamed of my fear of leaving the house…” This is way too much territory to try to cover in one set up statement!
Here is one example of how to create a tapping session, using Lily’s comments. I rearranged her words a little bit, but they fell naturally into a tapping story. I chose one statement in each category to act as a kind of statement of the issue.
- First, write out your own paragraph, and separate your comments into the above categories.
- Feel into the level of intensity of your responses, 0-10.
- Next, tap, using Lily’s words, while you are thinking of your own issues.
- When it is time to create a Tapping Holding Space, let your own thoughts and feelings have a voice.
Try tapping along with Lily and me:
THE PROBLEM
Even though I can’t leave the house…I accept myself anyway.
Create a Tapping Holding Space.
Let yourself talk and tap about everything that is related to this problem.
FEELINGS
Even though I am SO ashamed of my fear of leaving the house…I accept myself anyway, and I honor myself for how hard this has been.
Tap through the points:
I am SO ashamed.
I am so ashamed.
I am so afraid.
It’s mostly a fear of people.
I’m afraid that my boyfriend will get bored of me because I never want to do anything besides renting a movie or going to a movie and then cooking dinner together.
I don’t have a job because I get so stressed out that it feels like torture.
I don’t go on walks anymore, I’m just so scared of leaving my safety zone.
I’m turning into a house cat!
I’m so embarrassed about it.
Create a Tapping Holding Space.
Let yourself talk and tap about everything that is related to this shame, and any other feelings that come up.
BEHAVIORS
Even though I’m just so scared of leaving my safety zone…I accept myself anyway, and I wonder if there are different, deeper ways to think about this.
Tapping through the points:
I never want to do anything besides renting a movie or going to a movie and then cooking
dinner together.
I don’t have a job because I get so stressed out that it feels like torture.
I used to FORCE myself to be social.
I don’t go on walks anymore.
Create a Tapping Holding Space.
Let yourself talk and tap about everything that is related to these behaviors, and any others that come up.
BELIEFS and SELF-TALK STORY about CAUSES, AND THEIR RESULTS IN MY LIFE
Even though it feels like the cocoon is getting thicker…I accept myself anyway, and I understand why I am feeling this way, look what happened to me after all!
Tapping through the points:
I was sexually abused by the daycare lady from age 2 to 3.
I have an older brother that BULLIED me my whole life until this past summer.
I assume these things and my sensitivity are contributing to my fear of leaving the house.
I’m 33 and I’ve had this feeling since as far back as I can remember (age 2) and can’t seem to
resolve it.
Something that keeps coming to mind is “what must my boyfriend’s friends think of me?”
“What do my neighbors think of me?”
I feel I’m in such stark contrast to the other people that live here.
This comparison is enhancing my shame.
I guess I think I am supposed to be like them.
Create a Tapping Holding Space.
Let yourself talk and tap about what is possible or impossible for you in your life as a result of what happened, and how you identified and connected with these limitations.
CHOICES, HOPEFUL THOUGHTS
Especially because I want to live life again, I deeply and completely accept and welcome these parts in me that hold this truth, and I am open to putting my attention on what makes me feel good.
Tapping through the points:
I do love myself.
I’m interesting and funny and creative so I have that going for me.
I have been allowing myself to sort of cocoon and be safe, and not force myself to do anything that feels like a “No.”
Tapping has been miraculous for me.
I finally got the courage to not allow (my brother) to contact me anymore.
I don’t see any signs of him not loving me or wanting to break up with me.
I moved here because every single direction I turn looks like a painting and it’s miraculous.
Create a Tapping Holding Space.
Let yourself talk and tap, coming up with lots of other evidence that you can live life again, in a full, expressive way.
WHAT I WANT INSTEAD
Especially because I have this question… “How do I love me and accept this about myself and most important of all change it?” I deeply and completely love and accept myself. I am choosing now to look for what feels like a YES in my life, and I am choosing to do that! Always!
Tapping through the points:
There must be others like me here in the land of extroverts.
I want to be proactive so that our relationship doesn’t end.
I moved here because every single direction I turn looks like a painting and it’s miraculous.
I’d like to at least go on walks again so that I can enjoy the beauty and animals…
Create a Tapping Holding Space.
Let yourself talk and tap, coming up with lots of other ways to choose YES in your life.
CELEBRATION OF SELF
Especially because I have been sitting my life out like a house cat, I accept that that happened, and now I want to learn to grow up and out of those old cramped spaces…I can rise to the occasion and expand my horizons. I remember that I moved here because every single direction I turn looks like a painting and it’s miraculous!
Tap Through the Points
I am open to a deeper truth about this old story.
I have been devaluing myself.
I have been neglecting myself – physically, emotionally, spiritually.
I see that now
that I developed some bad thinking habits.
My bad thinking habits have shaped my values, my choices, and even my self value according to what other people thought was right.
I really am a smart, intuitive, strong person.
I am honest. Honestly, I deserve better treatment from myself.
I can find new, better, more heart felt ways to express who I am deep inside.
I understand I’m not wimping out, in fact I am taking a stand on my own behalf.
This is a very brave act on the part of my feet! Standing up for myself!
I honor myself for choosing the YES in me.
Now I see that Standing Up For Myself is a stance that comes from inside me and is about me. It’s not about anybody else. That is so freeing!!
I don’t have to be “against” anybody! Just consciously FOR myself.
I finally feel like I have someone in my corner – and it’s me. And it feels good.
I want to learn to stand up for myself and speak my truth in love, and know that I CAN do whatever I want to do, and not be afraid to try.
Create a Tapping Holding Space.
Let yourself talk and tap about what feels right and good for you now, with no pressure to be someone else.
Check inside.
Consider the old shame and fear. Notice how you are thinking and feeling about it now. Notice how you would measure the intensity of your feelings now.
What other aspects have come up that you want to tap for later on? Remember, like Lily, “Tapping has been miraculous for me!”
We might even say that tapping itself, when it is done with love and honoring and respect, is a Holding Space that we create for ourselves or another person. It is a kind of blessing.
With my love and blessing to you—
Rue
