As you probably already know, people with highly sensitive temperaments take everything in more deeply than most people do. They feel emotions more deeply and feel pain more intensely. They worry more. They are more inclined to become overwhelmed and to blame themselves for what is going wrong in their lives.

They may be diagnosed with social anxiety. They are called “shy” or “introverted.” People describe them as “quiet.” They say, “Oh you are just too sensitive! Why can’t you just let things roll off your back?! What is wrong with you?” The implication is always “You are different and there must be something wrong with you.”

I want to build a different way of thinking about this human way of being that has been given a medical-psychological diagnosis.

Social anxiety is a term a psychologist or therapist might use. It sounds pejorative, and it is an actual diagnosis. By its very nature it implies that people who have social anxiety aren’t quite like the rest of us, who are normal…

Or shy. As the thesaurus says (at length!): “I was painfully shy: bashful, diffident, farouche, timid, sheepish, reserved, reticent, introverted, retiring, self-effacing, withdrawn, timorous, mousy, nervous, insecure, unconfident, inhibited, repressed, self-conscious, embarrassed.” (Farouche? I had to look it up. It turns out that farouche comes from French and means “sullen or shy in company” )

In the 1990’s Elaine Aron introduced the concept of the highly sensitive temperament in the 90’s. This was really the first suggestion that there might be something good about being “so sensitive.”

The term “introvert” is making a comeback now, thanks to Susan Cain’s wonderful book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.”

Susan Cain includes this “introvert checklist.” Which characteristics seem true about you? (She notes that this is an informal quiz, not a scientifically validated personality test.)

1. I prefer one-to-one conversations to group activities.
2. I often prefer to express myself in writing.
3. I enjoy solitude.
4. I seem to care less than my peers about wealth, fame, and status.
5. I dislike small talk, but I enjoy talking in depth about topics that matter to me.
6. People tell me that I am a good listener.
7. I’m not a big risk taker.
8. I enjoy work that allows me to “dive in” with few interruptions.
9. I like to celebrate birthdays on a small scale, with only one or two close friends or family members.
10. People describe me as “soft-spoken” or “mellow.”
11. I prefer not to show or discuss my work with others until it’s finished.
12. I dislike conflict.
13. I do my best work on my own.
14. I tend to think before I speak.
15. I feel drained after being out and about, even if I have enjoyed myself.
16. I often let calls go through to voice mail.
17. If I had to choose, I’d prefer a weekend with absolutely nothing to do to one with too many things scheduled.
18. I don’t enjoy multitasking.
19. I can concentrate easily.
20. In classroom situations, I prefer lectures to seminars.

I don’t like the term introvert either, though. It has an implied criticism or value judgement, plus it means turned-inward. I don’t think this is what sensitivity is about, in the end. I think it is much much more.

For more information about sensitivity, and some hints about the “de Light” in the title of this post, see the blog post about my new adventure…